Isn't it funny...

That for a blog entitled 'The Draft Box', which is supposedly dedicated to feelings, thoughts, and most importantly to people to whom these feelings and thoughts were never expressed...

Much of what I write still ends up in the 'draft' box - compositions of thoughts and feelings left unfinished, trapped in that corner of my mind that is either too tired, too scared, or too confounded to let loose and fully express whatever the fuck it was I was trying to say.

Still, like most things in life (well, I can really only speak for my own), this blog and the letters I write in it are a work in progress. I only have to hope for the right combination of temperament, patience, confidence, courage, and willpower to completely lift these burdens that I hold on my shoulders. And I mean that quite literally, because everything I hold inside me turns into tension in my shoulders.

Until then...

i need to apologize

this is a coward's way of doing it, but...


to my classmate in the fifth grade: for being such a racist and misogynist little prick, for saying such horrible things with every intention of hurting you, though you did nothing to deserve it - i'm sorry. i apologize to her parents, too, if they ever saw their little girl come home miserable and wondered what could have been wrong.


to my brother's friend: for hurting you and nearly breaking your arm, just to show how much stronger and bigger i was - i'm sorry.


to the assistant manager at my old job: for making those snide remarks, after you complimented me on my work; for disliking you for critiquing me earlier in my employment, when you were right in your critiques and just wanted me to do a better job - i'm sorry.


to the eighth grade point guard: for tackling you out of frustration after stealing the ball from me, in front of your school, coach, teammates, and probably even your parents - i'm sorry.


to every friend i've had who i left and have never heard from me again: i'm sorry. it's not that i don't like you, or that i think you unimportant. i have no legitimate excuse for not keeping in touch, i'm only socially awkward. i remember most of you. i can only hope to work up the courage to reach out to you again, and can only hope that when i do the memory of me doesn't serve to put you off towards me.


i have more. too many more and i'm afraid i don't have enough time to list them all. i fear these wrongs will never be righted and that these apologies will never be delivered. i am too much of a pessimist to think they will have any great affect if they were.


i am a different person than what i was then. that is all too comforting to say, and i take little comfort in doing so.

to my friend - the one i fell for

at this point, i'm over her.

i tried writing while my feelings were still strong, but it would never come out right. i don't like my emotions clouding my head. i'm doing this now because it's still on my mind, so now that i've calmed i can get it done with.

i don't think you understand how big a deal you were to me - what you really meant to me.

you were my first love.

i'm serious. you have no idea how hard it was for me to realize that. i've crushed on other girls before, sure. that was all based on physical attraction, and a feeling that, at the least, they didn't annoy me. but falling in love and actually being close with someone - that all felt out of reach. and then i went and fell for you.

you were my closest friend. the closest i ever had. and you were beautiful, and you were kind, and you were honest. you had your flaws - you were very sensitive, at times you were kind to a fault (like me), and i loved you anyways. when i was with you, i was able to get over myself. i could talk to you, and i would listen to you. i wanted to be there for you, and you to be there for me, like you had been.

and then i told you: i want you. and tho you told me you couldn't get attached, i had you there, close, in my arms. i was not about to lose my chance for this at least: my first kiss. you were my first kiss.

and for the life of me, i can't even remember how it felt! what i remember: looking each other in the eye, i went for it. then you, looking at me, and you kissed me back. i can remember us holding each other, i can remember the look in your eye, but it's killing me that i can't remember that kiss!

i understood why you couldn't get attached, but my feelings for you wouldn't go away.

the first time, you were kind enough to let me know, to personally reach out to me: you were seeing someone. i had a suspicion. you telling me didn't make me any less hurt, but i let it go. we were still going to be friends.

you called it off, saying you wanted to stay single. what you were also saying was, you still wouldn't be with me. i let that go to. long as you did what was right by you, and long as you were honest with me, i'd be fine. we'd still be friends.

the second time, i found out. i felt we were slipping. we didn't talk like we used to. you wouldn't open up to me like you used to. i find out: you're seeing someone, again! and this time it's serious. this was, truly, my first heartbreak. congratulations.

that you were seeing someone wasn't even a big deal to me. but i took you at your word, and you went back on it. you might've forgotten what you said, but i didn't: 'you know i really like you. i just can't get attached.' 'i just want to stay single. what's wrong with that?' how was i not gonna be hurt?!

did i say anything? no. why should i? it would upset you. you found someone, good for you. you should be happy. bitter as i am, i still mean that. you don't need me fucking this up for you.

i'm over it. maybe you know that. i'm relieved that we can still be friends. but know this: i can't take you for your word anymore. call it learning from experience.

and i'm no longer in love with you. i can't honestly say that i hope this new guy works out for you, cuz i don't even know what that means. i guess what i can say is i hope he treats you well and you don't get hurt again. but if it doesn't work out, i'm not gonna let myself get hurt again. not by you.

why this hasn't been said: i'm hoping it doesn't have to be. if it does, i'm not gonna be the first to bring it up. and if we do end up talking about it, i'm not gonna end it on such a shitty note.

in any case, we've hung out a copule times recently. it was pleasant, which is fine by me. i just want to be friends like we used to be. tho i'm afraid we won't be as close anymore. it's probably better that way.

call me a pessimistic optimist. i work the other way, too.

to the chick from the night before

my boss tried to get me hooked up. i wasn't feelin it :/

'you hate me'

no. i don't hate you.

'why do you hate me?'

i said i don't. i'm just not interested.

'you don't think i'm pretty, do you?'

well.., no.

sorry. you're not my type, and i damn sure ain't yours. you were desperate and in need of a fuck, and i don't play like that. i'm not that kind of guy.

when my boss told me, 'hey this chick thinks you're hot,' i said, 'fine i'll meet her.' but i didn't have a good feeling about it, and i was right.

but i played nice. i met you. i bummed you a cigarette, even gave you a light. you chilled in my car for a bit cuz it was cold. i gave you a blanket. i humored you for a bit. so you can't say that i hate you. but i'm also not into you. i'm just a nice guy is all. sort of.

and you really didn't help your case. no, i wasn't attracted to you, but that wasn't it. you were drunk, you were desperate, and you were a bitchy little brat. bumming you a smoke cuz i don't want to be a total dick is as much as i'm gonna do.

i do apologize for not saying bye to you at the end of the night. i had every intention of doing so, but you were passed out on the couch. this apology, however, like everything else, is just a courtesy. in all honesty, i didn't really care to meet you after all.

why this was not said: i'm too nice to be so direct. i'm also too chickenshit. i didn't want to hurt her feelings, but i don't think pussyfooting out of it helped much either. for better or worse, i'll probly end up meeting her again. i'm sure she gets the picture tho. here's hoping so.

i don't know what i look for in a woman exactly. but she wasn't it.

to my bandmates

a little debate has come up amongst my friends and bandmates about whether or not we should be sober when rehearsing new material:

haha looks like i missed out thursday. honestly, it makes no difference to me. i've jammed sober and otherwise. in all honesty, i see your point. but then, it's not a big deal no matter how this bet/debate turns out. just remember guys, everything in moderation. i know our bad habits (at least, those of us who have them -_-) haven't gotten out of hand, i'm just sayin. in any case, it's all just about havin fun.

i would like to suggest, with all due respect, that we either 1) stop adding beatles songs or 2) phase old ones out as we learn new ones. i think 3 beatles songs a set should be the limit. i realize i may be risking my personal safety here. don't worry, i think i can take you guys :P

see y'all tomorrow

why this wasn't sent: on the matter of sobriety, it'll resolve itself. no need to get into the argument. on the beatles songs, i'll bring it up in rehearsal. i think it'll be much better to discuss it in person.