i need to apologize

this is a coward's way of doing it, but...


to my classmate in the fifth grade: for being such a racist and misogynist little prick, for saying such horrible things with every intention of hurting you, though you did nothing to deserve it - i'm sorry. i apologize to her parents, too, if they ever saw their little girl come home miserable and wondered what could have been wrong.


to my brother's friend: for hurting you and nearly breaking your arm, just to show how much stronger and bigger i was - i'm sorry.


to the assistant manager at my old job: for making those snide remarks, after you complimented me on my work; for disliking you for critiquing me earlier in my employment, when you were right in your critiques and just wanted me to do a better job - i'm sorry.


to the eighth grade point guard: for tackling you out of frustration after stealing the ball from me, in front of your school, coach, teammates, and probably even your parents - i'm sorry.


to every friend i've had who i left and have never heard from me again: i'm sorry. it's not that i don't like you, or that i think you unimportant. i have no legitimate excuse for not keeping in touch, i'm only socially awkward. i remember most of you. i can only hope to work up the courage to reach out to you again, and can only hope that when i do the memory of me doesn't serve to put you off towards me.


i have more. too many more and i'm afraid i don't have enough time to list them all. i fear these wrongs will never be righted and that these apologies will never be delivered. i am too much of a pessimist to think they will have any great affect if they were.


i am a different person than what i was then. that is all too comforting to say, and i take little comfort in doing so.